Everyone knows that when you date someone with kids, you can expect to find an insanimus near by. Sometimes it is the person you are dating. However, you are just as likely to find the insanimus on the other side of the equation.

In my youth I briefly dated a single mom name Daniel. She was nice and seemed sane, with the exception of her being a vegetarian. That’s not an entirely fair statement. I have known plenty of sane vegetarians. But anyone woman that tried to get a 21 year old carnivore to eat tofu was definitely a candidate for crazy in my book.

I met Daniel at the club while I was working as the bouncer, a common theme for me. She was a plain cute. There was nothing overtly exotic about her. She had an entirely normal haircut. She wore cute clothes with a hint of modesty. Every thing about her was a nice normal. The girl next door normal. At the club, that was exotic in its self. But could she drink and swear with the best of us. She could make me blush and that was no easy task. She may have been the girl next door on the outside, but she was a goddamned pirate on the inside.

After a few missed attempts to entice Daniel to my decedent ways, she finally succumbed. We hung out at the club and afterwards, we would go to Denny’s to get some coffee with some of the other club riff raff. This went on for a few weeks before she started to tell me about her personal life. I get it. It was messy and complicated. But, as I have stated many times before, I often thought more with my dick than with my head. This was no exception.

When she started to tell me about her kid’s dad, I felt for her. This guy was a douche bag abuser. He had physically abused Daniel when she was pregnant and did some other fucked up shit when her kid was a baby. This is the type of guy that needed to be taken out by the railroad tracks and handed over to some bikers for a lesson in civility. By definition though, being an abusive asshole is not automatic grounds for being  declared as insanimus guano.

What earned him full on insanimus status happened one night while I was staying late. The kid was asleep which left me with the undivided attention of Daniel. We were pawing at each other like cats in the wild. She was the kind of screamer that if you did not muffle her, she would wake up the kid and bring a sudden halt to the festivities. After a bit of mutual masturbation, we were ready to move things to the privacy of her bedroom.

I undressed her and started in on some midnight snacking of cunnilingus. Daniel was self muffling into a pillow as her first orgasm hit. When she caught her breath again, she flipped me onto the bed to return the favor. Just as she was getting started, her phone rang. Lucky for me, she let it go to the answering machine.

For you kids out there reading this, that is an old fashion voicemail like system that let you screen the message in real-time which then let you decide if might want to pick it up or not. It was quite handy.

In this case though, it was a buzz kill. On the other end was her very own insanimus. He was calling to let her know that she had a special surprise outside. What a cock blocking fucktard! When Daniel heard this, she got up and started to get dressed. There was no talking her back into the bedroom. She needed to know what he had done right then. Not being an asshole, I accepted the situation and got dressed.

We went outside and started to look around for the ex. He was no where to be seen. Daniel then approached her car and found the surprise. The asshole wrote a message on her rear window. He was not a highly educated individual so it was no surprise that all he could come up with was the one syllable word “CUNT”. It took up the whole window.

Daniel went inside to get some cleaner and paper towels. She took the “CU” side and I took the “NT”. As I started wiping it up a stench started to fill my nose. We both stopped and look silently at each other. I then did what I knew I would regret. I bent down to smell it. That asshat wrote his message with shit! Given his narcissistic ways, I could only suspect that it was his own shit at that. No better way to make the message personal than to collect your crap, drive to your ex’s house, stick your fucking finger into your own shit, and write “CUNT” on a window. If that does not earn someone the status of insanimus guano, nothing would.

We carefully went back to cleaning up her car and disposing of the shit-stained paper towels ever so carefully. After checking over the rest of the car, we went back inside and sat in stunned silence. Daniel got up, grabbed us each a beer, and then plopped her ass back down on the couch next to me. We looked at each other and started laughing. “That white-trash fuck hammer stuck his finger into his own shit! What an insecure ass canoe!” Daniel went on like that for another 10 minutes. We grabbed another beer, sat back and just laughed.

When you are dealing with insanimus guano, you can choose to shrivel up into a ball and hope they just go away. No judgement there. Just know that it rarely works. Alternatively, you can laugh and drink to their inadequacies. They are just shit stains that do not deserve your time.